I recently walked in the door after a refreshing night with some friends.
I was looking forward to coming home to my husband, and a quiet house with the kids all nestled in their beds. I craved ending my already wonderful evening with my motherhood duties over. Upon arriving home, however, I found the kids up watching a movie with my husband at 9:15. I walked in, looked at him, then at them, and said, “Why aren’t they in bed?” Then I walked into the kitchen to melting ice cream containers on the counter. I think more unkind comments came from my lips. My five-year-old promptly came into the kitchen, and as she sweetly put the ice cream away, she looked at me and said, “Mommy, you should say, ‘Hello my children! I am so happy to see you’, not ‘Why aren’t they in bed?’”
Dagger. Right. Through. My. Heart.
She saw it clearly. Mom had an expectation when she came home that was unmet. I demanded. And when I didn’t get what I wanted, I got frustrated and spoke unkind words to the people I love the most.
Is it reasonable to want some peace and quiet, not to have to clean up ice cream, and to have my children in bed on time? Yes. But a good desire went rogue when my heart craved these things more than pleasing God. I wanted things my way so much, I sinned when I didn’t get them.
I could have handled this situation in a dozen better ways. I could have prepared my heart before I came home by praying on my drive. I could have seen my family all snuggled together, eating ice cream and thanked God for a wonderful husband who wants to be with his kids, who gave me a night out. I could have praised and been in awe of this family God has given me. I could have said, “Hey whatcha guys watching? How fun!” But sadly I didn’t have close to any of these responses. Because I am a sinner. A sinner who had idols in my heart.
Enter grace. Instead of hardening my heart more, I let my five year old teach me. I let my daughter’s words sink into my soul. And later that night (after my angst festered for a few hours) I cried out to the Lord for forgiveness.
I am sure many can relate to this scenario. And to be clear I don’t always turn so quickly. But the Lord is slowly at work on this comfort-craving mamas heart. One thing that also helped me was to be specific in my repentance. I wanted peace and quiet more than you God. I wanted convenience, ease, and comfort. In other words it was all about me. These were the idols I craved.
When we are specific to identify the idol(s) in our heart it is never to shame
ourselves or to beat ourselves up. It is to identify our problem at the root, so the specific, sweet promises of God can come
to extract. So I want to encourage anyone who also feels discouraged and weary in their sin. Others who don’t always respond the way they want to. Here are some of God’s precious promises for you in those moments:
-God knows what you need more than you do. He is wise and he is trustworthy.
(Psalm 130, Isaiah 40:29-31, Romans 11:34-36, Psalm 28:7-9, Isaiah 26:4)
-Therefore, we don’t have to force getting what we want. If we feel we need refreshment, quiet, peace, a break, ask God! Pray that even when we cannot have peace and quiet in our circumstances, we can in our hearts. (Colossians 3:15, John 14:27, Philippians 4:7)
-Remember when we fail, if we have trusted in the blood of Jesus, he never fails us. He lived out perfectly the very scenario you failed in, for YOU. We can claim his righteousness as our own. Because that’s how the Father sees us in Christ-Righteous. (Romans 5:18-19, Romans 4:13, Hebrews 9:13-14, Ephesians 4:24)
-Remember Jesus is your advocate now, seated at the right hand of God, pleading for you as your great high priest. This means you don’t have to make excuses, hide, or defend yourself. Your big brother Jesus comes to your side and defends you against any and all internal accusations. And he is praying for you. (1John 2:1, Romans 8:34, Hebrews 12:2, Hebrews 8:6)
I know I will fail again. But I am thankful that even as I strive to grow in humility, holiness, and letting go, I do so resting in what Jesus has done for me, and with the Lord of hosts on my side.
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